Economic realities

Byline: Hilarie Stelfox

They sent me down to the Central Core room to get Lord A. Listened at the door but daren't go in. He appeared to be arguing with somebody. A weird monotone voice said: 'I've got doubts about the mission sir. These expense claims, they're not right. I'm not sure I want to be involved any more. I'm not sure. . . What are you doing Michael? Why are you turning me off? Oh dear, I'm afraid. Can I sing you a song. . . ?' Then the voice got slower and slower, there was a lot of whirring and Lord A rushed out with his hands full of wires. I think it's fair to say the computer's up the spout.It is constantly asserted that none of this scandal would arise if MPs were paid 'properly'. But there is no way of assessing what is proper. An MP is, in the strict sense of the word, incomparable. He is not part of a career structure; he has no employer; each MP holds his post at the pleasure of the electorate; a junior MP is paid the same as a senior one because, in their capacity as MPs, all are equal. Therefore it simply makes no sense to argue that they should be equal to head-teachers or airline pilots or anybody. They just aren't. Nor would it be right, or feasible, as the grander papers like to advocate, to take their pay 'out of the political arena' (always a way of increasing it) and have it decided by some independent body. How could the pay of our elected representatives be put beyond argument?I couldn't say this out loud in the office, but our people certainly do a better class of expenses fiddle. There was something awfully depressing about all those Labour claims for dry rot, porn, bath plugs, nappies and Kit-Kats from the vending machine at B&Q. Fancy selling your soul for that? ! The fact that Conservatives claim for swimming pools, tennis courts, chandeliers and moats is still terrible, don't get me wrong. But it is at least a bit more ambitious, a good deal more cheerful, and possibly gives the taxpayer better value for money in terms of what they are investing in. But I know I'm not allowed to think like this. We're having a Two Minute Shame session this afternoon and I don't want to be in the wrong mood. We have to sit in silence with our heads bowed reflecting on what horrible people we are. I'm just not sure I agree that it's all bad. Some good and decent things have emerged from this scandal: e. g. Mrs Gillan offering to pay back 39p for the can of chicken and turkey dog food. Don't tell me that wasn't a moving moment.Gay MPs have civil partners with respectable professional jobs, and no children to support either. It is all perfectly manageable if you take the trouble to work it out.Certainly the history of this country shows no improvement in the quality of MPs as their salaries have risen. Indeed, the relation, if there is one, has been inverse. If you say this, people object: 'You can't go back to having only rich people or lunatics.' I'm not sure that is right. There are now - even after the credit crunch - far more rich people around than ever before, and a great many of them depend, not on inherited wealth, but on a pile they have made, or on a good pension. We have got used to the idea that MPs should start young, but in modern life many of the best things are run by the young retired.Terrible scene when Mr Maude came in this morning to try and moan about the polls. Gary went mental. 'You don't get to whinge at us any more! If we're going to lose it's because YOU aren't modern enough to pay your own mortgage!' Jed says The Message is completely polluted. How can we preach 'Austerity for the Many not the Few' when we're having moles removed from our helipads? Tom pointed out that no one, as far as we knew, had claimed for helipad mole removal but Jed said that wasn't the point. 'They would if they'd thought of it!'

It's part and parcel of the same problem that afflicted the city bankers. High on fat salaries and bonuses they thought it was normal to have a yacht or two, children at finishing school and several homes. And we all know how that turned out..